What do you think in a poetics opinion?

Here I sit, on my bed


With this gun held tightly to my head.


I clentch my fingers


Hold my breath


Hoping God will pay his respect


All the things I've tried to say


You block out like there is no today


So what am I to do


When their is no one to help see me through


Your the one whom held me within


Yet you given birth to my sins


I don't see how this could be


Letting him put his hands all over me


I am just a kid, too young to understand


Your just a mom who doesn't know where to begin


Yet I know damn well where you stand, because it has happened over, and over agian.


So let's go back to where I am


With this gun held tightly to my head


I close my eyes


Hold my breath


Pull the trigger with many regrets


I hope you see what you did to me


And know that I was carrying his seed.

What do you think in a poetics opinion?
Brilliant poem! Not many can get the feeling of this out into any form of expression. Although just to let ya know, 'sins', doesn't rhyme with 'within', because of the plural.





Plus, because you didn't rhyme with the "...understand." And the, "...doesn't know where to begin", it kinda fell apart... I mean I still liked it, a great deal actually. But I would love to hear the missing rhymes fixed.





And in reality you should fix that, 'cause otherwise people will think that you just rush to the end of it. And that never looks good for anything, especially writing...





Luck, though.
Reply:Welcome. Report Abuse

Reply:My opinion:


Get off the suicide kick!


Too many people have killed themselves in so many ways, it has become boring and commonplace. Try stopping someone from committing suicide, or write about an outing to the county fair that has a happy ending. Something different.


Write about a tree, no, that's been done... I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree.... but anyways, be happy, write happy.
Reply:Powerfully sad but, very well writen my friend *^_^*





All the Very Best, Shad @)~%26gt;~
Reply:Trying tio skip the subject matter, which is nearly impossible, it is a harrowingly well-written piece, very haunting.


How can someone honestly comment given the topic? I feel like the life was sucked out me reading this.


Extremely vivid, like seeing a murder occuring in a far window.


God bless you.
Reply:I think that this is a very sad poem, and for me I found it very unerveing.


I have kinda the same experince as what was being descibed in this poem, so I could really relate to it. I like how your words flowed so nicely, and I think you did a very good job at writing somthing that is very hard for alot of people to write!
Reply:This is a very sad poem... it really makes a person feel though. If these are your true feelings... suicide is never the answer. Please let your pen and paper be your form of expression to everyone else... not your life. I especially liked the part " so lets go back to where i am". Idk why it just stood out to me. This is really awesome writing hon. I hope to see more work! Rock on.
Reply:That's deep, you okay?